An Arrangement of Deranged Friends
by joolay
Summary: The old-day trio of Ron, Hermione and Harry all star in this deranged fic. Each chapter is differnt themed, and the character stay the same nontheless. Reviews are welcomed.


It may seem accurate and plausible, but I DID NOT steal Clam Chowder1's story. I just think the way she gives the characters their name thingies like ..IE:   
  
[HARRY  
  
Hi everyone! I enjoy naked woodland creatures and genital creams!]  
  
See? Oh well. If you haven't read her fic, you MUST! It's da bomb! Anyways, on to mine. I got REALLY bored one night, and ideas kept colliding with my brain, so I put it from my head to the keys, to the microsoft word, finally to fan fiction! It may or may not EVER be finished. I'm just like that.  
  
+feels guilty about the other SIX or so stories she started but has yet to work on+  
  
Anyway, enjoy and review!..Julie  
  
SCENE ONE: Harry's bedroom  
  
HARRY  
  
I am dying of boredom and loneliness. I have sat in my poor excuse for a room all summer, with no one to talk to, or any flashy things to occupy me.  
  
[Harry sighs and groans, highly agitated and melancholy. He looks towards his window.]  
  
HARRY  
  
Why! Outside of my window is my good friend Ron in a flying Ford Anglia!  
  
RON  
  
Right you are, Harry! How original and surprising! Bet you never saw that coming!  
  
HARRY  
  
Quick! Help me out of this crap-hole of a place! I want to go back to the burrow with you!  
  
RON  
  
Indeed! Hop in Harry, and watch out for your gaping obese uncle that has recently entered your room and is coming closer!  
  
[Uncle Vernon wobbles grudgingly towards his nephew. Harry leaps out his window in an attempt to narrowly escape]  
  
UNCLE VERNON  
  
Back here, you horrible boy! Shit! Your ankles are slippery!  
  
[He grips Harry's feet and tugs. There is a massive human tug-o-war between Ron and Uncle Vernon. Harry is being stretched like a rubber band]  
  
HARRY  
  
I am elastic! [He laughs heartily.]  
  
RON  
  
Okay Harry! Here comes the big yank gag where Uncle Vernon's fat ass falls out the window!  
  
[Ron yanks hard, Harry tumbles into the car, and Uncle Vernon falls headfirst into a cactus bush.]  
  
UNCLE VERNON  
  
Dammit Petunia! Why do you have a freakish fetish for cactuses? [He moans in pain and rubs his large bum that has probably broken]  
  
HARRY  
  
Ha ha ha! We did it! Hooray for us and our rebellious ways! [They laugh accordingly on cue]  
  
RON  
  
Now off to the burrow!  
  
SCENE TWO: The burrow  
  
[Everyone, (which summed up is a lot of Weasleys and one Harry), are all situated around the kitchen table. They are all chatting merrily and politely, and stuffing their faces with Mrs.Weasley's wonderful cooking.]  
  
FRED  
  
Why mum! This is the most tasty truffle tart pie I've ever tasted!  
  
MRS.WEASLEY  
  
Of course dear. There is nothing else to do while you all are at school or work, so I devote my life to staying at home perfecting my wholesome chef abilities.  
  
MR.WEASLEY  
  
Molly, how I love you so! [They smooch. The children all grumble and gag.]  
  
HARRY  
  
Pass the turkey breast.  
  
RON  
  
Gasp! Harry's using profanity!  
  
HARRY  
  
....  
  
HERMIONE  
  
[She obviously has been here the whole time nontheless] Oh, grow up, Ron. Harry, here's the turkey.  
  
HARRY  
  
Much obliged, Herms. [He eats happily]  
  
RON  
  
Why waste your time on that shit? Have some dessert!  
  
[He passes Harry a banana split ice cream]   
  
HARRY  
  
Ugh! I must say that I am painfully full and constipated! But I must eat anyway!  
  
HERMIONE  
  
No! Harry, I think you should come out back to the garden with me for a little talk.   
  
HARRY  
  
Whatever. [He flings the remains of his food at the family dog who has never been mentioned EVER, and follows Hermione out the door]  
  
HERMIONE  
  
I have things to confess! It will most likely be about my childish crush on you or the fact that I am most probably secretly in an affair with Ms.Weasley.  
  
HARRY  
  
Wha...  
  
HERMIONE  
  
Nevermind. I changed my mind. I am now in love with the family dog.  
  
SPOT/ROVER/LEE ROY  
  
Woof  
  
HARRY  
  
Wha...  
  
HERMIONE  
  
Crap. I have changed my mind again. My hormones are raging. I have made up my mind. I am passionately in love with Ron since two seconds ago, and you must help me keep it a secret! [She makes faces to spice up the awkward moment]  
  
HARRY  
  
Okay. Your secret is safe with me.  
  
HERMIONE  
  
Great. Back inside, shall we?  
  
[The two friends head back inside, and find that the family has finished eating, and are all now situated in the living room playing charades.]  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's a dog! No, a cat! No, a llama!  
  
MRS.WEASLEY  
  
[Makes flapping motions with her arms]  
  
RON  
  
It's Harry's uncle as he's falling out the window! [Everyone who was in that scene laughs at this side-splitting inside joke]  
  
MRS.WEASLEY  
  
[Flaps her arms ever more furiously and shakes her head]  
  
FRED  
  
Well I haven't the slightest clue!  
  
MR.WEASLEY  
  
[Makes a buzzer noise] Time's up! The answer was homing pigeon! Another five hundred or so points to the parent team! [He high fives Molly.]  
  
RON  
  
I am tired of this childish game, and also hiding my true jealousy. Now me and my friends are going up to my room in a fit of anger to do stuff.  
  
HARRY  
  
Fine with me. Come along, Hermione.  
  
HERMIONE  
  
Right behind you! [slaps Harry's butt]  
  
[The three trudge up the stairs, and reach Ron's room. They flop down on his bed, and Hermione remains standing, looking at posters on his wall.]  
  
HERMIONE  
  
Chudley Cannons ....Quidditch Fliers....who's this? [She looks at one poster warily]  
  
HARRY  
  
I've seen her! She's vaguely familiar...She's a muggle.  
  
RON  
  
Dammit! [He reaches for it, but is rather slow and Hermione gets to it first]  
  
HERMIONE  
  
Why, this is Pamela Anderson. Disgustingly disturbing, yet gives me the horny bubbles. Can we make steamy love on your bed, Ron? You can join too, Harry.  
  
HARRY  
  
Sounds tempting but....I'll pass.   
  
RON  
  
Hermione! There will be no love making! My mom made that quilt, and the last thing I need is your bloody sperm all over it!  
  
HERMIONE  
  
I don't produce sperm, Ron.  
  
RON  
  
Gasp! Neither do I! We should make a club called the non-producers of...sperm or something catchy like that!  
  
HERMIONE  
  
Give it a rest, Ron. You know I love you.  
  
RON  
  
Wha...  
  
HERMIONE  
  
Nevermind. Are these YOUR Care Bear jockies? [She holds up a pair of hot pink briefs with holes in them]  
  
RON  
  
I am utterly embarrassed and horrified! Give me those! [He reaches for them, and Hermione and Harry play monkey in the middle with them for the rest of the scene.]  
  
SCENE THREE: Games of dare and goobers.  
  
[After a night of eventful pillow fights and obscure bras in freezer jokes, everyone awoke the next morning feeling renewed and alive.]  
  
RON  
  
I feel so fresh and energetic! Time to go get breakfast!  
  
HARRY  
  
Great idea! Christ! Look outside the window! Look at that stunning brilliance of the sun rise!  
  
HERMIONE  
  
I am in awe, and I'm going to go back to sleep. [She snores]  
  
HARRY  
  
Oh no you don't! You're coming downstairs with us for breakfast!  
  
[Hermione grumbles irritably, and follows the two bubbly boys downstairs into the kitchen.]  
  
MRS.WEASLEY   
  
[She turns from the stove] Why, good morning everyone! Glad to see you sleepy heads have finally awaken from your deep slumber.  
  
HERMIONE  
  
Don't remind me. [She pouts and makes faces, yawning.]  
  
HARRY  
  
Yes, and we are famished!  
  
RON  
  
Actually, Im quite parched. I need some orange juice, cause I'm actually not that hungry.  
  
{Mrs.Weasley piles mountains of egg and bacon on his plate nontheless.]  
  
RON  
  
Nevermind. [He sits down]  
  
HARRY  
  
Me me! Give me tons of that shit, baby!  
  
MRS.WEASLEY  
  
Sorry dear. But I must show favoritism for Ron, as he is the one who came out of my ass through hours of labor. And he needs his protein.  
  
HERMIONE  
  
He came out of your ass-?  
  
MRS.WEASLEY  
  
Eat, you retched girl. [She hands Hermione a plate with only a drop of porridge on it.]  
  
HERMIONE  
  
Gee thanks. I don't know if I can eat it all, but I can try.  
  
MRS.WEALSEY  
  
That-a-girl. Well, enjoy your meals. It may or may not be your last, you never know. [She laughs diabotically and evilly.] Muahahaha!  
  
(pause)  
  
Uh, where did that come from? Oh well.  
  
[She flounces up the stairs, to turn up or not to turn up in the story again later on. But no one really cares anyway, for she is Mrs.Weasley and we all hate her, and wish her to slowly be eroded by acid.]  
  
HARRY  
  
Let's all forget breakfast. I'm full of energy and inspired to go play outside anyway.  
  
RON  
  
[his mouth is full of egg] Moh-kay. [He swallows]  
  
HERMIONE  
  
Sure Harry. I suppose I can frolic for a while, but I have to come back inside shortly to finish my new book that is a total of 500 pages. It's all crap, but I must read it to keep my nerdy know-it-all status for the reader's sake.   
  
[She curses at the readers for a total of six pages, but the author leaves this part out, for all the bad words taunt her inevitably and her fingers grow vaguely numb.]   
  
RON  
  
Ha ha! Watch me frolic in the sunshine! [does a cartwheel]  
  
HARRY  
  
Watch as I do a series of impressive rolls! [He rolls down a short hill.]  
  
HERMIONE  
  
Watch me be boring as a bag of wet cement and fear my clothes getting dirtied.  
  
[She does nothing, and no one gives a plop.]  
  
HARRY  
  
Hey! I know! We can play truth or dare!  
  
RON  
  
As dumb as I am to say this, cause I know that I shall have to express my inner feelings and spill my darkest most personal secrets- Okay.  
  
[They all make a circle in the grass. Hermione sits in Harry's lap for fear of dirtying her BUTT.]  
  
HARRY  
  
Okay Ron, you first. Truth or dare?  
  
RON  
  
Truth  
  
HARRY  
  
What are you, chicken? [He makes a series of annoying moo sounds, which is highly inaccurate nonetheless]  
  
RON  
  
No! I'm not a chicken!  
  
HARRY  
  
[barks like a dog] Ha ha1 You are so!  
  
RON  
  
Okay okay. Dare.  
  
HARRY  
  
Sweet! Okay, now give me a second so I can contemplate on a way to make you miserable and embarrass the fruit out of you. [He thinks. It takes forever.]  
  
RON  
  
Get there faster, harry! I only have so long to be young and studly!  
  
HERMIONE  
  
Aw too late. I think THOSE qualities have already expired.  
  
RON  
  
Be quiet, or I shall be forced to sob like a little girl.  
  
HARRY  
  
I've got it! I dare you to show Hermione your pecker!  
  
RON  
  
I WILL not! That's obscure!  
  
HARRY  
  
Chicken! [He neighs like a horse]  
  
RON  
  
Fine. Look upon this shit, Hermione. [he drops his pants.]  
  
HERMIONE  
  
.....  
  
RON  
  
So? What do you think?  
  
HERMIONE  
  
It's so small....  
  
RON  
  
Oh what do you know. [He zips his pants back up] Now it's your turn Harry. I'm going to make you so embarrassed that you will **hopefully** kill yourself.  
  
HARRY  
  
Yay!  
  
RON  
  
Truth or dare?  
  
HARRY  
  
I'd love to say truth, but I shall do the manly thing and pick dare.  
  
RON  
  
Muah ha! [rubs his hands together] I shall make you inexplicably sing s feminine song.  
  
HARRY  
  
Sure! This should prove nifty!  
  
RON  
  
[whisper whisper in harry's ear blah blah]  
  
HARRY  
  
Aww, must I?  
  
RON  
  
Yes. Moo ha! [He cackles madly]  
  
HARRY  
  
Okay.  
  
[He steps forward, his hips shaking freakishly and passionately]  
  
Play it boys! [The music starts up on cue]  
  
All you people look at me like I'm a little girl.  
  
But did you ever think it'd be okay, for me to step into this world?  
  
Always sayin 'little girl, don't step into the club.'  
  
But I'm just tryin to find out why, cause dancing's what I love.  
  
Get it get it, get it get it. Uhh! [does impressive choreography moves]  
  
Huh huh huh, listen! [breathes heavy]  
  
I'm a slave, for you!  
  
Can not hold it, I can not control it, I'm a   
  
Slave for you!  
  
Can not hide it, I can not deny it!  
  
I'm a slave..for you!   
  
[He breaks off into a different song. The readers all gag on their own vomit from the Britney Spears lyrics]  
  
I used to think, that I had the answers to everything.  
  
It's time that I...learn to face up this on my own. Yeah.  
  
It seems like I'm caught in the middle.  
  
But that's when I realize,....  
  
I'm not a girl!  
  
Not yet a women! No, no.  
  
All I need is time, a moment that is mine.  
  
While I'm in between.   
  
[At this point, Ron and Hermione have left Harry and are behind a random shrubbery getting nasty, but Harry has failed to realize this, and continues singing. It is PRETTY and everyone wants to KILL themselves.] 


End file.
